For most of my life, I have not loved myself.
It wasn't until I started going to a counselor that pointed out my lack of self-love, that this actually started to change. She told me that she observed that I had extremely high self-awareness, but an extremely low self-concept. She explained the difference between the two, by pointing out that I was very aware of how I am perceived by others, how I show up in spaces and what is going on in my head and heart, but I am not good at accepting any of it. And that was the first time I realized why I didn't really like myself. It was because I didn't accept myself, ALL parts of me.
The way that my counselor described it was "the good, the bad and the indifferent." A nicer way of saying "the good, the bad and the ugly." I appreciated that she re-framed this common phrase in a way so I could begin to look at all parts of myself without judgement. But now, I can say there really are some parts of myself that are just kind of ugly, and that's okay.
When I reflect on the parts of myself that I am finally starting to come to terms with, and even love, three very specific aspects of Jenny come to mind. But I'm struggling with how to name them because I don't feel like they are all of me, they are just attributes that I take on at times. Especially because I'm starting to believe more and more that my human personality only scratches the surface of who I really am, and there's a whole depth of soul that is my truest self.
I can't yet fully articulate all my thoughts around this personality vs. soul thing, so for the sake of clarity, I'll just stick to naming attributes that I "can be" rather than parts of me that "I am."
3 Parts of Me that I'm Learning to Love:
1. I can be STUBBORN
Maybe it's the fact that I'm a Taurus (#taurusgang ayyyeeee), or that I come from a lineage of very stubborn people (#momgrandpafathereveryone). Whatever the origin, this is a part of myself that I have accepted.
One way that my stubbornness shows up is during important, or maybe sometimes not-that-important, decision-making. I feel bad for all the times that I've called up my dad to ask his advice on a career move, only to spend the last 10 minutes of the call stubbornly trying to convince him that I know what's best for my life. And not just him, I know there's so many friends, family, mentors, co-workers who have witnessed my stubbornness in full force. Whether it was about where we are going to go eat, how we were going to keep the house clean, or how we should shape our program, I know that there was many a time when I became an incredibly difficult person to disagree with.
It's the reason I have so many memories from my childhood where my sisters and I would spend hours arguing about what movie we would get from Blockbuster, or rent from RedBox, or choose on Netflix, and then magically end up watching my first choice. I can now look back on those times and say, yep Jenny, you were stubborn as hell, and your non-taurus sisters were very pressured to give in to you.
I will say, with every flaw, there's usually always an accompanying strength or redeeming quality. And for me, my stubbornness has helped me make shit happen.
One specific area I have seen this in is the social justice space. When I first became awakened to systemic oppression, I felt like everyone should know how F'ed up the U.S. actually is and I fought pretty hard to make sure many different people knew about this reality. I've seen this stubbornness ruffle feathers and annoy people, but I've also seen it pressure organizations to transform into even more inclusive and equitable spaces.
Yes, I can be stubborn, but now I can say that I love and accept my stubborn self. Stubborn Jenny gets shit done, stubborn Jenny advocates for the powerless until they are acknowledged, stubborn Jenny also unfairly sways movie votes, but I still love stubborn Jenny.
2. I can be ANALYTICAL
Should I explain how this shows up in my work life? Or my relationship to business? Or in my spiritual beliefs? Or maybe my dating life?
These are the kind of questions that are a consistent part of my daily life. Rather than just being able to make a decision, or write a statement, or express an opinion, or choose an ice cream flavor, I have to annnaaallyzzzeeee. Everything.
I used to hate this part of me, and even deny that it existed. Which is kind of hilarious when you think about it, because the way I tried to deny that I was analytical was by analyzing all the ways in which I was not. I know how to have fun, I love music and art, hate schedules and resist planning. And I thought that all those qualities made be more of a go-with-the-flow person than an analytical person. Why I thought the two were mutually exclusive? I don't know.
But now, I can see that the nonacceptance of my analytical side was not helping me in anyway. And actually, developing schedules and planning ahead has really helped me thrive (insert nerd emoji).
I've seen my analytical side push me into a tailspin of over-thinking and worry, and I don't love when that happens. But I do love when my analyzing leads me to new conclusions, new perspectives and innovation.
In analyzing people, situations, and problems, I have saved myself a lot of unnecessary pain and heartache. On the other hand, I also believe I've prevented myself from experiencing some potential love and joy. Being analytical can be both helpful and problematic, and that's okay with me. I'm learning the balance of when to trust my analysis, knowledge and intellect and when to lean on my intuition. And though I don't have it all figured out, I'm much more trusting of myself than I have ever been.
3. I can be EMOTIONAL
What is that you say? A strongly analytical AND emotional person? How can such a weird combination exist?
Maybe this duo of attributes isn't that weird to you, but to me it is. Especially because most of my life, I feel like I have witnessed most people fall into one category or the other. Either they are very analytical and rely heavily on logic and intellect, or they are on the emotional side, crying easily and prone to drama. And I feel like I fall somewhere in the middle.
I was that sensitive kid that cried easily. For so many years of my childhood I was embarrassed of how deeply I felt, and how easily I lost it. I would cry when someone laughed at me, cry when I didn't get my way, and cry every time I saw Mufasa die on the Lion King. I was such a little sap.
Over time, I learned how to start hiding my emotions. So much so, that I developed coping mechanisms that would keep my tears from coming out. It was probably around the time my mom passed away that I started doing the first mechanism. It was simple, every time I felt like crying, I would just tightly hold my fist, kind of like the Arthur meme.
But rather than being mad, I was determined. Determined to hold back any tears or any sadness from showing because I was convinced that this would show that I was a weak little girl.
I've spent the last five years trying to reclaim my emotions and let them have air to breathe. I've had to learn new mechanisms to reverse the old suppressing ones. Now, I make sure that I spend some part of every weekend watching a show that makes me sentimental or a song that brings up an emotional memory. I let myself cry on a consistent basis because I know that keeps me healthy and clears energy out.
I also have become pretty skilled at naming my emotions as they come up. I am more attuned to nuances such as the difference between me feeling misunderstood, and me feeling unheard, and I can speak up for myself and explain what I'm feeling.
Now, I am okay saying that I'm a little sap because I can see the strength that comes with owning and integrating my emotions. I have been able to develop deeper empathy because of my emotional nature, and that helps me connect to all types of people. I have also been able to richly experience some beautiful, transient moments in my life, and for that I am so grateful. If it weren't for my emotional nature, I would miss out on the moments I've had in my car where I either start tearing up or laughing because I realize how free I truly am. I now see clearly that my emotions are a gift.
I am learning to love myself. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And I am learning that the ugly parts, maybe aren't so ugly after all. Each of these attributes that have been difficult to accept, have proven to be integral to getting me to where I am today, and for that I am grateful.
I think that's another huge part of self love, gratitude to your self. We often speak about gratitude in terms of how important it is to thank other people, or thank God or thank the Universe, and I believe those are all good things. But how often do we thank ourselves? And specifically our "unlovable" parts? How often do we thank these traits for serving their purpose, and helping us to get to a point of transformation and evolving?
So I'll end by saying thank you.
Thank you Stubborn Jenny. Thank you Analytical Jenny. Thank you Emotional Jenny. Ya'll are the best, ya'll are the real MVP's, ya'll have helped me develop into the woman that I am today. And I truly love that woman.
